Posts tagged ‘mothering’

Crossroads

My sister is fond of saying that life is a perpetual balancing act. I am finding that statement more true than ever, now that I am trying to handle work and mothering. I was hesitant to go back to work, extending my leave, and still have not managed to find child care, only working on days Dad can care for Spencer, but that is not really working out and it is getting to be decision time. Child care will take up 30-50% of my take home pay. I  certainly wouldn’t do my job for half the money; is it worth it?  There is another position with in the company doing what I do, but for a different department for almost twice the money. I think I will apply for that, but if I don’t get it, I may have to seriously consider staying home. It isn’t just about money though, I don’t want someone else to care for my baby.  And then I feel horrible, because enough money could entice me to let someone else take care of him. Does that make me greedy or just practical? I am so tired of constantly thinking about this. Becoming a stay at home mom is really appealing, which I never thought would be the case. This new job, though, would be a huge opportunity and not one I would necessarily have when I tried to reenter the work force five years from now.

January 10, 2010 at 12:48 am Leave a comment

The Mother I Thought I Would Be

I went to a birthday party for a friend this weekend and it was mostly strangers and a few acquaintances that I see maybe twice a year at bbqs at the birthday girl’s house.  It was an interesting group, all women and mostly mothers.  I brought the baby because my husband was working and he still hasn’t been left with a sitter.  At less than 4 months, he wasn’t a very intrusive presence, except for the admiring glances and oohs and aahs he caused.

One of the women asked me an interesting question – Are you the mother you thought you would be?  I didn’t really know how to answer.  I think that it might be too early to tell what kind of mother I am. I know that I am a loving and devoted mom, but it is too early to tell what kind of mom-archetype that I will embody.  I doubt it will be the fun mom.

I think the hardest thing about this question is that I never thought of myself as a mother while I was growing up. My cabbage patch kid is the closest thing I had to a baby doll and I treated it more like a student than a child.  I played library and checked out books to both my dolls and my stuffed animals equally. (Yes, I played library. My sister played office.  We were dorky kids.)  I do not have the best mother role models from growing up.  I didn’t have a strong connection with my mom; we rarely discussed more than the superficial or daily activities.  She kind of lost interest in me once I was out of girl scouts.

Needless to say, not the best mothering role model and big influence on the no kids stance I held for most of my life.  I just started thinking about the possibility of having a child about a year or two before I got pregnant.  My husband and I decided to maybe start trying and then my mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, which meant she had about a year or less left, and it just didn’t seem like the right time.  But then it was the right time and I have my darling boy, but I have no idea if I am the mother I thought I would be.  I just hope I can be the mother I want to be.

November 20, 2009 at 4:05 pm Leave a comment


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